The Great Thread of Bad Jokes

Discussion in 'General Bushcraft Discussion' started by GunGoBoom, Mar 2, 2019.

  1. GunGoBoom

    GunGoBoom I'm not lost, I've just misplaced myself. Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    I realized today that I haven't done a GAW in awhile. I don't know what it will be but it will be something good. All you have to do is tell me your best dad joke. I'll pick a winner in a week or so. You'll find out what you won once I pick a winner.
     
  2. Coyote Charlie

    Coyote Charlie Supporter Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    My son was running around this afternoon with a bear on the front of his shirt. I looked at my wife and said "are we going to let him go out in public bear chested?"

    I got the eye roll.

    Coyote
     
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  3. floogy

    floogy Tracker

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    A man walked into a bar.

    Ouch.
     
  4. Logan Woods

    Logan Woods Scout

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    Hear about that guy Who lost his entire left side?

    He's ALL RIGHT now
     
  5. Lobo13

    Lobo13 Lone Wolf Supporter

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    I like telling dad jokes !





















    ...........Sometimes he laughs :4:
     
  6. SmilinJoe

    SmilinJoe Supporter Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    What do you call a fish with no eye?.........











    Fshhhhh :4:
     
  7. Quinlan

    Quinlan Supporter Supporter

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    Greetings,

    I haven’t got children yet plus I live across the pond, so I may not be eligible for this. However, I am in if possible and this is my dad's joke.

    It was from a wrongly dialed number. They called our house and asked for somebody we knew nothing about. He told the guy at the phone:
    "You've got the wrong number, this is Rhodes' cemetery you rang".

    That's an island at the other side of Greece, as far away from our town as possible...

    Thank you for an intriguing GAW.

    Regards,

    Christos
     
  8. saveitforsunrise

    saveitforsunrise Guide

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    Why was the foreign guy in a hurry to get home?

    He was Russian!!!
     
  9. dirt7

    dirt7 Supporter Supporter

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    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    You look for the fresh prints.
     
  10. schapm

    schapm Elitist Inflated Ego Supporter

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    Oh man I get so much flack from my wife and kids on account of my dad jokes.

    Q: Why do milking stools have only three legs?
    A: The cow has the udder.

    One time when I was a kid I was in a restaurant with my parents and sister. The owner of the place came over and was talking with us and in the course of the conversation he revealed that he was retired military and had never married. He said “Sometimes I look at families like yours and wish they were mine.”
    Without missing a beat my dad said, “sometimes I wish they were yours too.”

    That earned him a punch in the arm from my mom.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
  11. highlander

    highlander Veni Vidi comedit lardum Supporter

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    A Roman Gladiator walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “I’ll have 5 beers please!”


    That’s my dad joke.
     
  12. gohammergo

    gohammergo I like sharp things.... Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    Horse walks into a bar.....
    Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"......



    My family, horse lovers, hates it when I tell that one. :)
     
  13. Metaldog

    Metaldog Just chasing my tail... Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? "Eliphino"

    Why didn't the vampire go out on many dates? The ladies felt that he was a pain in the neck.

    How do you get a moron out of a tree? Wave at him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2019
  14. Outdoor Dauber

    Outdoor Dauber Roughian #3 Supporter

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    You know how to keep a bushcrafter in suspense?

    I'll tell you tomorrow...
     
  15. CowboyJesus

    CowboyJesus Supporter Supporter Bushclass I

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    why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

    because the p is silent!

    as a teacher, my favorite part of this joke is, more than once when i asked it, a student would reply-because they're extinct!
     
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  16. brionic

    brionic Blissful simpleton Supporter

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    I'm in!

    Q - where did the general position his armies?
    A - in his sleevies

    Rimshot!
     
  17. mtblade

    mtblade Tracker

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    Why was the 450 pound woman arrested ? When she lifted up her skirt they found 150 pounds of crack !!!!!
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2019
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  18. Scratchthejeepguy

    Scratchthejeepguy Guide Bushclass II

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    I went to the doctor today and he said "Don't eat anything fatty."
    I said "Like what, like pizzas, burgers?"
    He said "No Fatty, don't eat anything."
     
  19. ExAF1N1

    ExAF1N1 LB-42 Purveyor of sharps and savory burnables. Supporter

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    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.


    Always remember that even "appropriate" has a little pp in there.


    What's brown and sounds like a bell?

    Dungggg.
     
  20. CoolBreeze135

    CoolBreeze135 Scholarly Woodsman Supporter

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    I’m a new first-time dad, so I’m stepping into my responsibilities as far as parternal humor goes.

    Here’s one of my favorites, which I fully intend to wait about six years before using at the perfect opportunity:

    Q: Dad, can you make me a sandwich?
    A: Abracadabra! You’re a sandwich!
     
  21. PACoureurDuBois

    PACoureurDuBois For God and Country --AISI #49-- Supporter

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    Police Station toilet stolen,
    Cops have nothing to go on.

    Bah dum tshh.

    Skeleton walks into to a bar with a mop and bucket.

    Bah dum tshh.
     
  22. D.K

    D.K Scout

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    What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    A carrot.
     
  23. MJGEGB

    MJGEGB Bushmaster

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    Why did the coffee file a police report?

    Because it got mugged.

    Dad's for the win!!!

    Also move back to VA, we miss you. Also our rain misses your poncho. It won't stop raining here, please let it stop.
     
  24. NattyBo

    NattyBo Guide

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    How to catch a polar bear.
    Cut a 5' diameter hole in the ice.
    Place 500 frozen peas around the perimeter.
    When the bear goes to take a pea kick him in the ice hole.
     
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  25. Huey

    Huey The Lurker Supporter

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    What did the bra say to the hat?




    ...you go on a head. I have to give these two a lift.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2019
  26. Outdoor Dauber

    Outdoor Dauber Roughian #3 Supporter

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    You know how to kill a unique deer?


    Unique up on him!! :D
     
  27. Bushcraft and Brews

    Bushcraft and Brews Supporter Supporter

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    I just got a job at the toy factory making Dracula toys. I only work with one other person. I have to make every second count.
     
  28. PaPa K

    PaPa K Supporter Supporter

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    My dad’s humorous advice to us kids-
    You can pick your friends...
    You can pick your nose...
    But never pick your friends nose!

    He is probably still chuckling up yonder, he had a good sense of humor.
     
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  29. NattyBo

    NattyBo Guide

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    You know how to kill a tame deer?

    the tame way
     
  30. mtnoutdoors

    mtnoutdoors Prov 27:17

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    Q: Why do Toadstools grow so close together? Screenshot_2019-03-02-10-55-50~2.png
    A: They don't need Mushroom.

    Prov 27:17
     
  31. SpookyPistolero

    SpookyPistolero Slow learner Lifetime Supporter

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    Just heard about a dwarf who was pickpocketed.



    How could anyone stoop so low?
     
  32. CivilizationDropout

    CivilizationDropout -MOA #17- Supporter Bushclass I

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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?


    No-eye-deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    STILL no-eye-deer.
     
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  33. CoolBreeze135

    CoolBreeze135 Scholarly Woodsman Supporter

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    Same here in TN. I should have invested in sump pumps.

    I’m over it.
     
  34. PACoureurDuBois

    PACoureurDuBois For God and Country --AISI #49-- Supporter

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    What do you call a Pennsylvania Dutch strike-out?

    A swing and Amish.
     
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  35. Dadio

    Dadio Supporter Supporter Bushclass I

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    A baby seal walks into a club....
     
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  36. LongRoad

    LongRoad Hobbyist Hobbyist Supporter

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    Ok I don't know if this will count but here goes. This is a true story and I hope I tell it right. My dad and I went to a local classic car junkyard looking for miscellaneous parts for his chevelle. After walking around for an hr or so we found a deck lid that had just a little bit of rust in 2 of the corners. Thinking it would be cheaper to buy and fix it than getting a new one. We walked into the office and ask the guy behind the counter how much they wanted for it. The guy comes back and says it'll be a buck fifty. My dads eyes popped wide open, he slapped his hand on the counter and said he'd take it. The behind the kinda took a half step back and his eyes got big for a second. Me, I immediately started laughing. Dad looks at me and says WHAT? I'm like dad..... He means $150. His head drops, turns to the guy behind the counter and he's nodding his head yes. Then dad says well damn that ain't right. And walked out the door embarrassed. Maybe its one of those had to be there things.
     
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  37. The Pan

    The Pan Ironwood Lover Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    This is the type of jokes I get from my dad & one of the cleaner ones...
    To this day I still don't understand the first joke he ever told me to memorize for the Floppy Show @Iowa outdoorsman @Iowa1964 @IowaSteve

    Did I tell ya the one about the Birch tree and the Beech tree yet? " yes dad, o_O like 4 times so far....

    So one day the Birch tree says to the Beech tree
    " do you see the tender new tree growing between us? "
    The Beech tree replies, " yes. but is it a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? "
    They argue for years over this.
    One day, they decide they need a professional opinion.
    Finally, they ask the Woodpecker.
    Mr. Woodpecker, will you please fly down and find out for us if the little tree between us is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?
    The Woodpecker agrees and flies out of sight for quite a few hours.
    When the Woodpecker returns he gives his report.
    "Well gents, the little tree between you is not the son of a Beech or a son of a Birch but,
    I can tell you it might be some of the best Ash I've ever stuck my pecker in"..........................................:44:..
     
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  38. Schmittie

    Schmittie Supporter Supporter

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    What’s one thing Adam said to Eve when they got into a fight?

    Adam: “Hey, I’m the one that wears the plants around here.”
     
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  39. Schmittie

    Schmittie Supporter Supporter

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    What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?





    Flood lights!
     
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  40. Stone

    Stone Bushmaster

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    When my eldest child was a baby she would wake up crying a lot. I used to tell her that if she didn't get to sleep she'd never have any brothers or sisters!

    When people I know saw me with my family they'd remark, "Nice looking kids!" I'd respond, "Yea..I made them at home in my spare time."
     
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  41. The Pan

    The Pan Ironwood Lover Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    what kind of motorcycle did Moses ride?

    a Triumph.
     
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  42. The Pan

    The Pan Ironwood Lover Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    LMAO..:18::18::18::18::18::18::18::18::18:..........i needed that............lmao some more......................!!!!
     
  43. Stags Crest

    Stags Crest Crafty McBushcraft Supporter

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    How do cannibals celebrate holidays!?


    They have friends over for lunch!
     
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  44. BigHat

    BigHat Guide Bushclass I

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    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: To get to the idiot's house.


    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    The chicken
     
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  45. Robert Y

    Robert Y Scout

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    What did the Mrs Bullet say to Mr. Bullet?










    We're gonna have a BB.
     
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  46. Robert Y

    Robert Y Scout

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    Why shoes the chicken coop only have two doors?








    Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
     
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  47. JW_Halverson

    JW_Halverson Tracker

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    And where did they keep their spare belly buttons?

    In the Navel Reserve.
     
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  48. hma153

    hma153 Tracker

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    Why don't Ewoks eat wookie meat?

    Because it's Chewie!


    A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bar tender?"
     
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  49. Stone

    Stone Bushmaster

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    She was knitting steel wool...
     
  50. Teeps

    Teeps Supporter Supporter

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    What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

    Dam
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2019
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