The Great Thread of Bad Jokes

Discussion in 'General Bushcraft Discussion' started by GunGoBoom, Mar 2, 2019.

  1. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

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    Why did the new (fill in the blank) navy buy glass bottomed boats?

    To see the old (fill in the blank) navy.
     
  2. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    Congratulations @icemancometh and thanks for a hilarious GAW @GunGoBoom !
    And I agree, let’s keep this going!

    Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

    Fo drizzle.
     
  3. Kennebago

    Kennebago Scout

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    This is so good.
     
  4. JeffG

    JeffG Guide

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    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Montana for a shave and a haircut.
    He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
    When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years,
    but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
    The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
     
  5. Justin_Cloer

    Justin_Cloer Scout

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    LING_ _ _ ST. Whats missing???

    U IS.
     
  6. BCWoodsman

    BCWoodsman Wet Woodsman

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    Q: What did the native American say the first time he saw pizza?

    A: Somebody puked on my bannock!
     
  7. Phantom X Chic

    Phantom X Chic Tracker

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    My father died at a young age, so I grew up with a sarcastic sailor, my Pappy! I remember being in the house with a bunch of people after burying my grandmother. A telemarketer called. His response was "I can't talk right now. My dog is having kittens."

    I still use that.
     
  8. Phantom X Chic

    Phantom X Chic Tracker

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    I think I would have peed my pants.
     
  9. Lazarusaurus

    Lazarusaurus Idot Supporter

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    Two atoms are walking down the street when one says, "I think I just lost an electron."
    "Are you sure?" Asks the other atom.
    "I'm positive!"
     
  10. GunGoBoom

    GunGoBoom I'm not lost, I've just misplaced myself. Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

    Because he was sitting on the deck.
     
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  11. Lazarusaurus

    Lazarusaurus Idot Supporter

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    A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel mounted on his crotch. Bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what's with the ship's wheel?" The pirate replies, "Arrrrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
     
  12. saveitforsunrise

    saveitforsunrise Supporter Supporter

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    How do you know your wife is having an affair with a swift driver?

    He’s still trying to back out of your driveway when you get home.
     
  13. GunGoBoom

    GunGoBoom I'm not lost, I've just misplaced myself. Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder.

    He got a little behind in his work.
     
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  14. Jonah L. Archer

    Jonah L. Archer ~Roughian #21~ ~ MOA #62 ~ Supporter Bushclass II

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    Congratulations @icemancometh and thank you @GunGoBoom!


    Everyone at work got vests with the company logo on them. Me to the guy next to me... "Vest day ever!"


    Next day when the same guy was wearing his new vest and I wasn't... "I'm just not as in vested as you are"


    :59:
     
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  15. Jonah L. Archer

    Jonah L. Archer ~Roughian #21~ ~ MOA #62 ~ Supporter Bushclass II

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    Once walked into a bar on Halloween and the bartender had a skillet hanging in front of his crotch. I said, "who are you supposed to be? "

    "Peter Pan"
     
  16. Outdoor Dauber

    Outdoor Dauber Roughian #3 Supporter

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    Uughh...


    LOL
     
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  17. Logan Woods

    Logan Woods Scout

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    Congrats @icemancometh and thanks for the opportunity and for starting one of my new favorite threads @GunGoBoom ! Thanks to this thread I've got quite a few more jokes added to my arsenal
     
  18. Andy 315

    Andy 315 Supporter Supporter

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    How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? Add some spring water.
     
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  19. oddjob35

    oddjob35 Scout

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    Congrats @icemancometh and well done @GunGoBoom

    A couple of late ones to add to the fun ...

    What do you call a man with three wooden heads? …. Edward Woodward

    What did the taxi driver say to the man with 3 heads, no arms and one leg? …. Hello, hello, hello. You look (h)armless, hop in!

    Why do Elephants paint their testicles red? … So they can hide in apple trees! … What is the loudest sound in the bush? …. Giraffes eating apples!!

    OJ
     
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  20. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH Scout

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  21. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

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    What's the difference between meat and fish?



















    If you beat your fish it will die. :54:
     
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  22. DF Bob

    DF Bob Supporter Supporter

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    Mahatma Ghandi walked everywhere he went, barefoot. He didn't eat a lot so was quite skinny and frail (physically, not mentally!) His oral hygiene was pretty poor so he often had bad breath. Thus, he was a super calloused, fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

    Bob
     
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  23. DF Bob

    DF Bob Supporter Supporter

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    OK, you probably have had to be around in the early 1960's or listen to the great Dr. Demento around Halloween to fully appreciate this. If you don't get it, you weren't there!!!

    There was a WW II pilot named Hans Grubor who flew B-17's. He loved to fly but was shot down, and in bailing out lost an eye. He was captured and sent to a POW camp. As an officer he was treated fairly well, and became a spiritual guide to the imprisoned me. After the war he attended seminary and became a priest. He couldn't fly in the US because of the one-eye thing so went to Africa. He rapidly developed a reputation as the go-to guy and was made a Bishop. One day, flying to a distant church he crashed again and this time lost an arm. After recovery he continued to fly and do the church's work. There was then a big cave-in down in the Rand area of a gold and silver mine. Hans flew there and went underground to administer to the severely injured when there was another cave in. He was trapped for days and breathed the silver-dust laden air which gave him Auriga, which is the permanent bluish skin tint associated with silver poisoning (hence the term "blue bloods" for Royalty eating exclusively off silverware - No Joke!). Anyway, for his work with the miners, Hans was made a Cardinal. When the Pope finally died the cardinals all got together to choose a new Pope and Hans almost got the job, but then someone pointed out that maybe the Church should not have a . . . . . one eyed, one armed, flying purple papal leader.

    Bob
     
  24. Kennebago

    Kennebago Scout

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    I don't know if this is a joke or a parable, but my pop-pop told it to all of his grandkids at an inappropriate age. Language has been, um, adjusted.

    There was a little baby bird that fell out of a nest one night above a pasture and fluttered to the ground. It was cold that night, and by the time morning rolled around, that little bird was halfway froze.

    As day began to break, a cow happened to walk by and took a monumental [poop] on that poor little freezing bird. But the [poop] was warm! So the bird began to move around and make happy noises, feeling ten times better already.

    Not that bird's lucky day, because a cat heard all the noise. He padded over, swiped aside the [poop] and gobbled up the bird.

    There are three lessons in this story. Not everyone who gets you out of a pile of [poop] is your friend, not everybody who gets you into a pile of [poop] is your enemy, and if you ever find yourself in a big pile of [poop], KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

    Still on a phone, so the long one has to wait, but this was another old favorite in my house:

    After a lifetime studying ancient texts and prophecy, a wise old rabbi discovered the location of the long-lost Valley of the Trids. He packed his bags, travelled deep into the desert, and after many days and nights he climbed to the top of a dune and looked upon the Valley of the Trids. He staggered down and was immediately flocked by Trids, who gave him food and drink and talked with him long into the night on matters great and small.

    Finally, the rabbi said to his hosts: "Truly, to have found you after so much time is a blessing. One of you must come back with me to the wider world, and tell them of yourselves!"

    The Trids held council and refused this request, and none would follow the rabbi. The rabbi, upset, went aside to think - but he was followed by a young Trid.

    "None of my people will follow you because there are giants in the desert that hate us, and would destroy us if they saw us with you outside of the Valley. You did not see them on your journey, but do not be deceived, for they certainly saw you and know you are here."

    The rabbi, disbelieving, told the young Trid to hide under his cloak and thus escape the giants' wrath. The Trid reluctantly agreed, and hid under the rabbi's cloak when they departed at first light.

    No sooner had they climbed out of the Valley than a terrible giant rose up out of the desert, grabbed the young Trid, and drop-kicked him back down the mountainside.

    The rabbi cowered in fear. "Do not kick me too down the mountain, I beg you!"

    The giant roared with laughter, and when he could speak again, he bellowed:

    "SILLY RABBI! KICKS ARE FOR TRIDS!"
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2019
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  25. gohammergo

    gohammergo I like sharp things.... Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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    I was fired my first day at the bank.
    A guy came in and asked me to check his balance.















    So I pushed him over. :eek:


    :18::18::18:
     
  26. MisterE

    MisterE Scout

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    A string walks into a bar and sits down when the bartender walks up and says 'sorry we don't serve strings here'.

    So the string goes outside and gets all wound up and ruffles his hair. A couple minutes later the string reenters the bar when the bartender shouts 'hey didn't I just tell you the we don't serve strings here?'

    'No,' the string replies ' I'm a frayed knot '.
     
  27. lodge camper

    lodge camper Supporter Supporter

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    just like reader's digest: i only read the short ones.
     
  28. Jason in ID

    Jason in ID Tracker

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    This is one of my favorite jokes. It's long but definitely worth reading.

    [​IMG]


    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and gets himself ready, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
     
  29. Wasp

    Wasp DOWN IN DIXIE Supporter

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    The weekend came and Johnny was so excited to spend the day with his grandfather. They spent the whole day watching old westerns together and just enjoying each others company.

    After a while Johnny asked his grandfather if he had anything to drink, and his grandfather said he had some real sarsaparilla rootbeer and went to get a couple bottles out of the ice box in the garage.

    He was taking a while and Johnny was hungry for a snack. He saw a familiar candy dish full of peanuts and started eating them by the handful. Each time he visited he couldn't help but finish them all.

    When his grandfather finally returned he said, "grandpa those peanuts are so good, I'm sorry I always eat them all". His grandfather replied, "thats okay, you should have tried them when they were still M&M's, I just can't finish them these days with my false teeth", grinned and handed him a rootbeer.

    :26:The End.
     
  30. Wasp

    Wasp DOWN IN DIXIE Supporter

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    Some of you older fellers ought to keep a bowl of peanuts around when you have company. Keep the camera ready for a once in a lifetime facial expression. ;)
     
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  31. injun51

    injun51 Guide

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    2 cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny"???
     
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  32. Zunga

    Zunga Bushmaster

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    What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
    Lean beef.

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

    What do you call a dog with no legs?
    It's doesn't matter, he isn't coming when you call him anyway.

    Cheers Jim
     
  33. fatcat55

    fatcat55 Scout

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    Thanks to everyone for all the great new material...my wife and kids are suffering already.
    Im trying to remember a couple for Sunday school later.

    Here's an original...

    What do a good 'ol boy with a seine and Israel's prime minister have in common?


    They're both a ...nettin' yahoo.
    (You may have to say it out loud)
     
  34. Seacapt.

    Seacapt. Supporter Supporter

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    After seeing my family doctor yesterday for my annual physical and routine prostate exam I had to go back earlier this morning and return his class ring.
     
  35. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

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  36. Sawdustdave

    Sawdustdave Supporter Supporter

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    I was a pretty smart lad. Top of my class, in fact! Indeed, I was so bright my parents called me Son!

    :rolleyes:

    I work at a convenience store. We are trained to ask if our guests pumped fuel. Most will say "I was on pump (insert pump number).

    I tell them it's unsafe to be on the pump while pumping gas... Usually, I get a blank look... Seems no one remembers George Carlin...
     
  37. injun51

    injun51 Guide

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    I've got a good one that's slightly racist, but towards my own people. If anyone wants to hear it, its hilarious, let me know. I'd be more than happy to write it here, but certainly don't want to ruffle any feathers.
     
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  38. JeffG

    JeffG Guide

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  39. Teeps

    Teeps Hobbyist Hobbyist Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."
     
  40. JeffG

    JeffG Guide

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    A man walks into a bar.

    He wears a charcoal gray suit, a charcoal hat, charcoal socks, black leather shoes, and a silver Porsche watch on the wrist of the hand that carries a rather large briefcase, which he carefully sets down before straddling a stool and addressing the bartender.

    "A Knob Creek Manhattan, up," the man says.

    "Sure thing, buddy."

    As the bartender turns his back to mix the drink, the contents of the briefcase are emptied, and when he returns, serving the drink on a square napkin, he sees spread out on the shiny wooden bar top a miniature piano, a tiny piano stool to scale, and atop it a little man, 12 inches tall, playing faint music that sounds like Brahms' Piano Concerto 2 in B flat major.

    "Well I'll be damned," the bartender says. "Where did you get a little guy like that?" He hunches over to scrutinize the musician more closely. "Look at those long, tiny fingers!"

    The man, having gulped half his drink, says nothing, but the bartender presses him, and finally he erupts. "It's a long story," the man says. "But it all started with this magic lamp." At this he reaches back into the briefcase, produces in his hands a small, golden lamp, and shoves it toward the bartender, who yanks the towel from his waist and begins polishing.

    POOOF!

    When the smoke clears, a genie is revealed hovering in the air between the man and the bartender. "You've got one wish," the genie demands. "Use it or lose it."

    The bartender stammers. "I'll be," he says, feeling rushed. "Well I guess I wish for... I wish for... I wish for $10 million bucks!"

    POOOF!

    The genie is gone.

    The bar is quiet, except for the faint sound of Brahms rising from the bar top, and the bartender, regaining his composure, starts to worry.

    "Hey, what about my wish," he says. "Nothing happened."

    But that very moment, over at the open door, a fluttering is heard, and then a quack, and in waddles a duck, followed by a second duck, and a third -- and soon the bar is filling with a whole flock of quacking mallards. They stream in without end.

    "Now wait just a minute," the bartender cries. "I see what's happening here! I didn't wish for a million ducks! I wished for a million bucks!"

    "That genie is hard of hearing!!"

    The man, world weary, sighs knowingly.

    "Do you think," he said, "that I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
     
  41. MJGEGB

    MJGEGB Bushmaster

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    What is a cat's favorite color?



    Purrrrrrple
     
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  42. gohammergo

    gohammergo I like sharp things.... Supporter Bushcraft Friend

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  43. Kenneth

    Kenneth Guide

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    a9c82bd9cbca6f4e797d1339076bbd84.jpg

    GOD Bless you and your families

    Kenneth
     
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  44. Seacapt.

    Seacapt. Supporter Supporter

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    What do Freya Meyers and Survival Lilly have in common?

    Ans. They both like to show and tell.
     
  45. Teeps

    Teeps Hobbyist Hobbyist Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

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    Lol hun
    X
     
  46. Punisher

    Punisher Supporter Supporter

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    My moms dog died.

    so my Dad bought her another one just like it.

    Mom was mad as a hatter and Dad ask what was wrong.

    she said: "WTH am i gonna do with TWO DEAD DOGS!!!!!"


    thankyou i'll be here all week, tip your bartenders and waitresses.
     
  47. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

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    A cowboy comes into a new town wearing a paper hat, paper vest, paper chaps, paper shirt, paper pants, and paper boots. He bellies up to the bar and orders a round of drinks.

    As he's enjoying his libation, he feels a heavy hand on his shoulder. He turns around to see the sheriff. "Son", says the sheriff, "I'm afraid I'll have to arrest you."

    Thinking the sheriff was neglected when the drinks were poured, he nods to the barkeep who quickly pours one for the sheriff.

    "Well, thanks for the drink, son, but you're still under arrest."

    "But sheriff", he protests, "I just got into town moments ago, what could I possibly have done?"

    "Son, I'm arresting you for ...





    ... rustling."
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
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  48. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH Scout

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    People are shocked at my poor skills as an electrician.
     
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  49. Nakadnu

    Nakadnu OBSERVER Supporter

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    A cowboy rides up to the saloon, hitches up his horse and then kisses the horse right in the rear end.
    He then bellies up to the bar and orders a beer.
    After a while the barkeep just can't take it anymore and asks, "I saw you kiss your horse's back forty just before you come in here why in tarnation did you that?"
    The cowboy replies, "I got chapped lips from ridin the range all day under the hot sun."
    The barkeep asks, "Funny, does that help?"
    The cowboy replies, "No sir, but it sure keeps me from lickin them."
     
  50. Wasp

    Wasp DOWN IN DIXIE Supporter

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    This thread has been fun. I have enjoyed it and shared with family. Thanks for making me smile. I needed it!
     
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