The Great Thread of Bad Jokes

Discussion in 'General Bushcraft Discussion' started by GunGoBoom, Mar 2, 2019.

  1. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    What's blue and smells like red paint?


    Blue paint.

    How do you comfort grammar nazis who didn't like the lightbulb joke?


    Their, they're, there.
     
  2. Danno

    Danno Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2014
    Messages:
    252
    Likes Received:
    820
    Location:
    SE wisconsin
    A New York salesman stopped for the night in a small town in Alabama shortly before Christmas. Walking past the town park there was a nicely done nativity scene, but for some reason the three Magi were wearing fireman's helmets. Puzzled, he asked a young boy about the helmets. "Shucks mister" the kid replied, "everybody knows they came from afar".

    I groaned too the first I heard it.....
     
  3. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2012
    Messages:
    501
    Likes Received:
    2,907
    Location:
    New Jersey
    My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, ‘Just you wait!’
     
  4. Bush Billy

    Bush Billy Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2017
    Messages:
    377
    Likes Received:
    1,953
    Location:
    Princeton MN
    Next time you meet a little person ask him/her their age. "I'm four!" In which you reply..."when I was your age I was five!" Confuses the heck out of 'em.
     
  5. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    What did the zero say to the eight?


    Nice belt.
     
  6. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    My woman and I have religious differences.

    She thinks she's God.

    I don't.
     
  7. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    One snowy afternoon in the Soviet Union, Vladimir was standing freezing in a 4 hour line to hopefully get some bread.

    He saw his friend Petre trudging through the snow carry two huge, heavy suitcases.

    He asked Petre if he had the time. Petre dropped the suitcases with a dull thud, looked at his watch, and said "4:30".

    "Wow, that's a nice watch," said Vladimir!

    "Yes, but these batteries are killing me."
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2019
  8. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    Why do Irish Stew recipes call for exactly 239 beans?

    Because one bean more would make it too farty!
     
    A17, M.Hatfield, GunGoBoom and 4 others like this.
  9. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    A WWI private is serving in a hot, dusty fort in North Africa.

    Every day is the same: torrid, fly-bitten, monotonous.

    One day there is a great commotion from the lookouts, and, for the first time, the front gates burst open.

    Men stream out, running toward the horizon.

    The private joins the pack, and running alongside his sergeant, asks, "What's happening?"

    "Camels," replies the sergeant!

    "Camels? ... But why are we running?"

    "Well you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?"
     
    M.Hatfield, isme, MrFixIt and 2 others like this.
  10. GunGoBoom

    GunGoBoom I'm not lost, I've just misplaced myself. Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    3,355
    Likes Received:
    4,200
    Location:
    Lost in the woods
  11. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2012
    Messages:
    501
    Likes Received:
    2,907
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the side of the road? She was given a ticket for littering!
     
    Noddy, Bush Billy, M.Hatfield and 3 others like this.
  12. perrymk

    perrymk Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2012
    Messages:
    851
    Likes Received:
    2,702
    Location:
    near Tallahassee Florida
    A recent female acquaintance was talking about the difficulties and decisions of raising kids, balancing work and family, trying to have some personal time, and all around just being a single mom.

    I pointed out that even though I am a life long bachelor I could relate to difficult decisions. Like the other day. I was preparing for my nap and couldn't decide whether to lay on my right side or my left.

    The funniest thing is, this actually happened to me [​IMG] .
     
    blind & lost, M.Hatfield, A17 and 3 others like this.
  13. JC1

    JC1 Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2011
    Messages:
    1,438
    Likes Received:
    1,613
    Location:
    Alaska
    The skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop
     
  14. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    941
    Location:
    SW NH
    It's bad luck to be superstitious.
     
  15. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    What do you call a fish with no eyes?


    A fsh.
     
  16. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

    Those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.
     
    M.Hatfield, GunGoBoom, A17 and 4 others like this.
  17. highlander

    highlander Veni Vidi comedit lardum Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2010
    Messages:
    6,929
    Likes Received:
    29,891
    Location:
    Scott County,Tennessee
    Hahahahaha I get it...it’s because it’s math right?
     
    M.Hatfield, GunGoBoom, A17 and 4 others like this.
  18. AdamD1776

    AdamD1776 Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2018
    Messages:
    449
    Likes Received:
    1,861
    Location:
    SE Wisconsin
    This is a classic when fishing. Its not a successful day unless this joke has been made...
     
  19. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    How do you make holy water?

    You boil the hell out of it.
     
  20. stillman

    stillman Supporter Supporter Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2009
    Messages:
    3,692
    Likes Received:
    5,545
    Location:
    Notlanta
    Does anyone have the recipe for GORP?

    I lost my written copy and can't remember the ingredients.
     
  21. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    Good Old Raisins and Peanuts. Is what GORP means.

    My trail mix uses golden raisins, craisins, dried tart cherries, dark chocolate m&m's,peanuts, almonds, and cashews
     
  22. chansta

    chansta keeper of the flame Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2017
    Messages:
    2,282
    Likes Received:
    9,914
    Location:
    Virginia
    The government is an efficient use of tax payer dollars. There’s my joke.

    ~Ron Swanson
     
    Oni, dial1911, blind & lost and 8 others like this.
  23. TomC

    TomC Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 5, 2012
    Messages:
    501
    Likes Received:
    2,907
    Location:
    New Jersey
    When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my French” after a swear word. I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.
     
  24. chansta

    chansta keeper of the flame Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2017
    Messages:
    2,282
    Likes Received:
    9,914
    Location:
    Virginia
    I just heard they are going to test other planets To see if they are suitable for human life. The government has decided to use Cows. Could be a high steaks mission.
     
    M.Hatfield, GunGoBoom, A17 and 4 others like this.
  25. Kenneth

    Kenneth Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    1,487
    Likes Received:
    6,696
    A few chuckles for everyone.

    GOD Bless you and your families

    Kenneth


    67839232_1592615720868400_7787073872867622912_n-1.jpg 67791873_2423956747664329_4676864371937247232_o.jpg
    67815490_2423951407664863_6061648105470689280_n.jpg
     
  26. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    I once told a chemistry joke, but got no reaction.
     
  27. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    31,761
    Likes Received:
    155,193
    Location:
    Bogart, GA
    Hahahaha
     
  28. Soilman

    Soilman Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2013
    Messages:
    800
    Likes Received:
    3,076
    Location:
    Eastern North Carolina
    Three strings walk to a bar for a drink. Sign on the bar says "No Strings Allowed!" String 1 says, "I'm going in anyway". String 1 takes a stool at the bar, but the bar tender quickly say "We don't serve strings here, and throws him out.
    String 2 decides to take his chances also. He walks in, sits at the bar and the bar tender immediately says, "I done told your buddy strings ain't allowed in here! Now get out!" Bar tender tosses String 2 out.
    String 3 thinks a minute, then reaches up, twists his top into a knot, then frizzes it out, making a total mess. He then walks into the bar and takes a seat. Bar tender eyes him suspiciously, and says, "You're one of them Strings, ain't you? String 3 say, "Nope, I'm afraid not!" (a frayed knot)
     
  29. Mikewood

    Mikewood Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,441
    Likes Received:
    10,039
    Guy walks into a pet shop. He asks the manager for a dozen bees.

    The manager counts out 13.
    The guy says I only wanted 12.


    The manger replies the last one is a free bee.
     
  30. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    Did we ever find out what the Knights in White Sat in?
     
    M.Hatfield, A17, CamoDeafie82 and 4 others like this.
  31. Kenneth

    Kenneth Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 1, 2017
    Messages:
    1,487
    Likes Received:
    6,696
    I just heard this one at work.

    1st guy: Are you from Australia?
    2nd guy: No why do you ask?
    1st guy: Well you meet all the koala-fications.

    GOD Bless you and your families

    Kenneth
     
  32. fatcat55

    fatcat55 Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2012
    Messages:
    922
    Likes Received:
    3,073
    Location:
    Texas
    No, because they persisted in... never reaching the end.
     
    M.Hatfield, DarrylM, Kenneth and 3 others like this.
  33. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    Time flies like the wind,
    but fruit flies like bananas.
     
  34. DarrylM

    DarrylM Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2016
    Messages:
    3,905
    Likes Received:
    22,427
    Location:
    NE Washington State
    At any given moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.....
     
  35. seasonofthewoods

    seasonofthewoods Lost In the Woods Hobbyist

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,503
    Likes Received:
    6,481
    Location:
    Minnesota
    The other day I called this girl she said " come on over no ones home " ...... I got there and rang but no one was home "

    - rodney dangerfield( on johny Carson ) I think
     
  36. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    31,761
    Likes Received:
    155,193
    Location:
    Bogart, GA
    What did the duck say to the bartender?

    Put it on my bill.
     
  37. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    31,761
    Likes Received:
    155,193
    Location:
    Bogart, GA
    Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?

    Never mind, it's tearable...
     
  38. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    31,761
    Likes Received:
    155,193
    Location:
    Bogart, GA
    Did you hear they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin?
    It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal...
     
  39. MrFixIt

    MrFixIt Old Jarhead LB#42 Supporter Bushcraft Friend Bushclass I

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2014
    Messages:
    31,761
    Likes Received:
    155,193
    Location:
    Bogart, GA
    What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?

    Bison
     
  40. M.Hatfield

    M.Hatfield Midnight Joker #42 Lifetime Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    6,734
    Likes Received:
    48,525
    Location:
    New England
    What kind of bagel can fly?

    A plain bagel.
     
  41. M.Hatfield

    M.Hatfield Midnight Joker #42 Lifetime Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    6,734
    Likes Received:
    48,525
    Location:
    New England
    How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh?

    Ten tickles.
     
  42. M.Hatfield

    M.Hatfield Midnight Joker #42 Lifetime Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    May 29, 2015
    Messages:
    6,734
    Likes Received:
    48,525
    Location:
    New England
    A man walks into a zoo.

    The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

    It's a shitzhu.
     
  43. AdamD1776

    AdamD1776 Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2018
    Messages:
    449
    Likes Received:
    1,861
    Location:
    SE Wisconsin
    That's 'cause all the good ones argon...
     
    Nakadnu, pellegrino, jswi2374 and 7 others like this.
  44. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

    Supplies!
     
    Nakadnu, JeffG, MrFixIt and 2 others like this.
  45. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    What was the last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket?

    "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
     
  46. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

    To get to the same side.


    (That has got to be one of the funniest jokes on the planet.)
     
  47. Cascadian

    Cascadian Guide

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2017
    Messages:
    1,483
    Likes Received:
    7,468
    Location:
    Northern Oregon coast
    PATIENT: Doc, I keep having these dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?

    DOCTOR: You need to relax. You're two tents.
     
  48. Huey

    Huey The Lurker Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2010
    Messages:
    842
    Likes Received:
    1,193
    Location:
    Illinois/U.P. Michigan
    What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?



    ...finding a half of worm in your apple.
     
  49. Stone

    Stone Supporter Supporter

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2013
    Messages:
    6,133
    Likes Received:
    24,965
    Location:
    Ely, MN
    Student: I don't understand why my grade is so low. How did I do on the research paper?

    Teacher: Actually, you didn't turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be put on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn't submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

    [​IMG]
     
  50. Andy in NH

    Andy in NH Scout

    Blog Posts:
    0
    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2014
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    941
    Location:
    SW NH
    Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?

    Everyone!
     

Share This Page